


Letters to Voldemort

by AlphaFire81



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Harry Outsmarts everyone, Letter Correspondance, Unashamabley Harmony, funny fic, prank fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-09
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2019-06-24 12:44:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15630933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlphaFire81/pseuds/AlphaFire81
Summary: During the summer before fifth year when Harry Potter isn’t allowed any correspondence from his friends, he finds a new pen-pal. However, when the Order of the Phoenix capture his leaders, they go to great lengths to stop it. Hilarity ensues with each progressive step. Surprise at the end.





	1. Chapter 1

At The Order of the Phoenix Headquarters (Due to a Fidelius Charm I can’t say where,) it was a normal night, normal except for the letter that was sitting on the table.

”I still can’t believe he’d do this Albus,” Alastor ‘Mad Eye’ Moody says gruffly, “Writing to him of all people.”

”I know, no one expected this.” Albus Too-Many-Middle-Names-Too-Remember Dumbledore says grimly.

“Maybe this could have been avoided if you let my Godson receive letters from his friends when he needed them most!” Sirius Black shouts angrily, blaming every person in the room for this new development.

”I was against this from the beginning as well.” Remus Lupin says, matching Dumbledore’s tone.

”Enough dragging up past things!” Minerva McGonagal snaps, “What do we do now, I mean, listen to this, 

_‘Dear Voldemort,_

_I must admit, I was greatly surprised when you sent me a letter with a blood oath that this dialogue would just be set up for communication. I am even more surprised that this is the first letter of correspondence that I have received now, four weeks into Summer when I really did need my friends after watching Wormtail murder Cedric. Relax though, as I am not looking for revenge through that statement against you. I also do admit that it could be a strong possibility that the bloody Headmaster did block their correspondence to me, as I don’t see Hermione of all people not even sending me a letter of hello, or Mrs. Weasley sending me a good care package when I wrote that I was being starved. Also thank you for your food package, it really helped a lot and was better than I expected. Anyway, I should probably cut this short, how about you write back detailing your goals for this dialogue and what you want._

_Sincerley,_

_Harry Potter,_

_The-Boy-Who’s-Willing-To-Listen.’_

”See!” Sirius shouts angrily, “This is your fault, you wouldn’t let his friends write him or send him food and now He-Who-Must-Stop-Writing-To-My-Godson-Or-I’ll-Kill-Him-Myself is writing to him and could manipulate him.” He growls, “I blame you Albus.”

”First off Sirius, that isn’t a bad nickname for old Moldyshorts,” Remus says, “And secondly, how are his letters getting through the wards?” Lupin wonders.

”I do not know, The Dark Lord, nor any of his followers could get through the blood wards, we have been monitoring post owls and muggle post, and no one has been there in person. I have no idea how he has been doing this.” Severus Snape drawls out, as stunned as anyone.

”Why would he mention Hermione but not me?” Ron Weasley says, totally missing the point in jealousy. “I’m his best mate!”

”Shut up Ron, you’re totally missing the point.” Hermione Granger says, scolding.

”But I’m his best mate though.” Ron insists.

”And I’m his girlfriend!” Ginny Weasley shouts angrily. 

“When did this happen? I’m pretty sure Harry has never looked twice at you.” Hermione snaps, wanting things back on track with helping her best friend.

”You’re just jealous that he’s gonna end up with me.” Ginny growls.

”We’ve been over this, Harry’s just my best friend. I don’t care who he ends up with, but he is currently unattached.” Hermione says, tiredly.

”As if.” Ginny brushes that off, angry.

”Are you three done or will we need to kick you out?” Molly Weasley says angrily, “The point is he is in danger if her keeps this up.” She says, furious, “You should have let me send him a care package.” She continues, shouting directly at Dumbledore.

”Fine, go do that and hopefully we can stop this correspondence between Harry and Voldemort.” Albus says, tired.

”Thank you.” Molly says, walking to the kitchen to prepare Harry some snacks.

”I don’t like this Albus.” Arthur Weasley says gravely, “I hope this reply never gets to the Dark Lord now.”

”Me neither, but we can hope, can’t we?” The Headmaster of Hogwarts says tiredly, “But I think we may need to watch this closely.”


	2. Chapter 2

At the Order’s Headquarters, they thought their plans might have worked, for a whole week no response came back from Voldemort, which made them think that Harry’s letter never reached him. Unfortunately, their plans are never that straightforward. 

“Albus, I will kill you!” Sirius shouts, angry, “Guess what just landed on our table? Another letter to the Dark Bastard!” He growls, as the order, along with Ron, Ginny, and Hermione surround the table.

”How, I thought we stopped his letters!” Dumbledore says in shock, as he picks up the envelope. 

_‘Dear Lord Voldemort,_

_I must admit the books you sent me were, unexpected, to say the least. I mean, who’s ever heard of an eyeball exploding jinx? Not me, but it could be of great use, I mean imagine what one could do with it. I also appreciate the new wand you sent me. Untraceable, absolutely brilliant. I can practice magic without worrying about the trace, brilliant! It will be put to good use if my relatives don’t start treating me better. Anyway, I do agree with some of your points that some wizards are inferior to others, but not the thing about pure bloods being superior. I mean seriously, you and I are half-bloods and have no problems spell-casting, and someone like Hermione Granger can do incredible magic easily. Plus she’s not hard on the eyes either. But someone like Wormtail couldn’t jinx his way out of a wet paper bag, Ron Weasley and Draco Malfoy would be forced to resort to muggle brawling to get through any fights, and Ginny Weasley’s only thoughts seem to revolve around seducing me, absolutely disgusting. And I also think that you’re open war against the muggles isn’t a good idea. Sure we have magic and have that advantage, but they have more than ten times our population. Also, their innovations are impressive when you consider a lack of magic and how they make up for it. No Avada Kedavra, no problem as they have things like rifles, pistols, stuff like that, which can also one-shot kill a person, and is harder to block than a simple spell. They don’t have FiendFyre, but they do have blowtorches and flame throwers, which can spread so much fire it could burn down a house in twenty, thirty seconds. And also, if you need more proof, ask any muggle about Hiroshima, that shows how messed up they are and how an open war wouldn’t work. Anyway, I think that about wraps this letter up, and I hope you do think about these points in here. I have been thinking about yours and have to admit they have more of a practical approach than I first thought._

_From,_

_Harry Potter,_

_The-Boy-Who’s-More-Open-Minded._

“Albus, what are you going to do?” Sirius growls angrily, sounding like his animal form at the present, “This can’t continue, and how is he getting letters through anyway?” He demands, angry about the situation.

”I have no idea, we have all ways of conventional magical and muggle post monitored, and nothing was sent to him through those.” The Headmaster of Hogwarts responds gravely.

”Well maybe it’s time to start looking at other possible ways this could be getting through.” Arthur Weasley suggests solemnly, “I mean, don’t muggles use those ‘Minute-Men?’ Is it inconceivable that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named could have one under Imperious to take letters to Harry?” He suggests, thinking.

“I think you mean milk-men,” Hermione suggests, speaking up about the situation, “And that really isn’t his style to rely on muggles, right Professor?”

”Correct, I have never seen Voldemort use a muggle under Imperious for a matter as trivial as this.” Dumbledore replies gravely, “But I have no other ideas as to how this could be going.” 

“How about the post-office itself? I mean, you said you monitored the post in their mailbox, but Harry could always be using his cloak to sneak out and go there in person.” Hermione wonders, thinking of the possibilities.

”And to think, with all of our experience, it takes a school-age witch to come up with the obvious.” Albus exclaims, as he hadn’t thought of that, “Well done Miss Granger!” 

“That doesn’t explain how the Dark Lord got the brat’s last letter though when we clearly confiscated it.” Snape mutters, as the others see his point.

”Maybe he sent out multiple copies to make sure it got through?” Molly Weasley suggests, grasping at straws, “I really don’t know.”

”Severus, maybe you could ask Tom if he has been getting Harry’s letters?” Dumbledore suggests gently.

”And maybe I’ll dress up in a red and gold sparkly tu-tu with the Potter Crest!” Snape shouts, angry “If he hasn’t been a part of this, then that would mean certain death for anyone who would dare suggest he would want an alliance with Potter!”

”Fair point, I say we remain vigilant, this could be the final letter in the series if we did honest get the only copy, but we will start monitoring the post office.” Dumbledore concedes, as he dismisses the emergancy meeting. The members of the Order of The Phoenix disperse, leaving only the two still underage Weasleys in the kitchen.

”Some best mate he is.” Ron grumbles, still angry over the contents, “Would be forced to brawl like muggles, ridiculous.” 

“And I’m disgusting for wanting to seduce him! Seriously!” Ginny says, trying to keep her voice and temper under control. “I’m surprised you’re not more angry about the other contents of the letter. It clearly shows he’s taking an interest in Hermione.” She says, snapping at her brother.

”It will be over my dead body. She will be with me, and Harry with you.” Ron growls, as Ginny nods.

”Good, well then maybe step up your potion making skills, because I am still too young to even get some of the ingrediants for Amorentia, and you are still too stupid to brew it!” Ginny snaps, glaring at her brother.

”Fine, but I still think there is a non-illegal way to do this, simple seduction and betrothal contracts.” Ron suggests, as Ginny sighs. 

“Ron, we’ve been over this, the seduction clearly isn’t working on Harry, and while Mom and the Dursleys might go for such a contract, Dad, the actual head of family, and Hermione’s parents certainly won’t. We’re underage and can’t agree ourselves.” Ginny says, angrily.

”I’m still not on board with potions Gin, they are illegal, and both Harry and Hermione could see us locked away for twenty-thirty years with Dementors if we get caught, or fifty-sixty if we actually did anything.” Ron says, as Ginny sighs.

”Fine, we play the waiting game, but in one year if we don’t end up with them, we go with my plan, deal?” She suggests, as Ron sighs.

”Deal.”


End file.
